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9.19.2004

Bush's Demands for Debates

A newly uncovered document shows President Bush's demands that must be met before he will agree to any debate(s) between Democratic nominee John Kerry and himself.

The demands, which were leaked by a "top administration official" seem to give the incumbent Bush a slight advantage.

"It is common for the incumbent to dictate the terms of the debate," stated Whitehouse Press Secretary Scott McClellan, "This is nothing new."

Some Democrats are protesting the Bush demands, which seem far more demanding and over-reaching in their scope and benefit to the President.

Here are the requirements as requested by the Bush Whitehouse:

1. Kerry must stand in a hole surrounded by Swift Boat Vets and flip flop flapping protesters outside of the main venue.

2. Kerry must not be given a microphone or any other voice amplifications devices.

3. Kerry must wear the 'bunny suit' that he wore at NASA.

4. Kerry is not to answer any question for more than 8 seconds.

5. The Moderators will be Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity and Michael Savage.

6. The debate audience will be hand picked by republicans and all attendees will have to sign a loyalty pledge to Bush.

7. Bush will be transported into the event via F-16, Apache Helicopter, Mounted Cavalry and finally a Bradley fighting vehicle with guns blazing right up to the stage.

8. Kerry will have to ride to the event a VW micro bus with Jane Fonda's picture and peace signs plastered all over it and literally drive over the prone bodies of handicapped Vietnam veterans to get to his speaking location.

9. Bush will be allowed to use "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" style help lines three times during the debate.

10. Bush reserves the right to leave the debate at any point if "National Security" dictates it would be prudent. In this case, the debate would be declared an automatic win for Bush.

John Kerry, when asked about the Bush debate requirements said simply, "Bring it on!"

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