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10.21.2004

An open letter from George W. Bush

Dear America,

This is your President, George W. Bush. I am writing to you today to ask that you vote in the presidential election on November 2, 2004. There has never been a more important election in our nation's history.

I know there are a lot of people out there who think that this election has gotten too dirty and mean. I agree. But I hope that this will inspire more people to come to the polls and do their patriotic duty.

Although America has been through many terrible things since I have been President and the great people of this country have had to make many difficult decisions, I am going to ask you to make one more hard choice on this election; don't vote for me.

I am serious folks. I do not want to be your President anymore. Being the President of the United States is hard work. REALLY HARD. It is so much harder than I thought it was going to be (especially the campaigning part where people sometimes ask me questions I haven't been given in advance).

This job is the hardest one I have ever had and I don't like it. Have you seen me lately? My hair is grey and messed up most of the time. My face looks like a nervous teenager's on prom night. I can't stop blinking and my mind is acting all crazy. Did you know that before I was President, I could talk really good? Used big words right and everything. Not anymore. My head hurts all of the time and my hands shake a lot. I keep telling Dick I need to see a different doctor than the one that gives me the shots everyday. He says they will make me feel better but they don't, they just make me kind of groggy and then I forget big spots of my day.

I have been thinking about drinking, a lot. Most of my day is now spent remembering how good it felt to get all fuzzy and forget about life for a while. Sometimes I even sneak into the Whitehouse kitchen late at night and take a few nips of the cooking sherry but someone always comes in and says, "Can I help you, Mr. President?" but they leave me alone in the bathroom, if you know what I mean?


Anyway, I was saying I don't want to be President and I mean it. I am really a nice guy. I kinda joke with people and make up names for them and that's all I thought this was going to be. Then those darn terrorist folks went and attacked us. That screwed up my whole life, I gotta tell ya. Then I became a war President and all these grumpy fellas in the Whitehouse started telling me to do this and that. They said people would like me better if we attacked Iraq and I believed 'em. But you know what? They didn't.

People say really bad things about me all the time. Make movies saying I am terrible and people cheer. I get woke up all the time and my guys tell me bad news. Sometimes I can't go back to sleep. I start thinking about all those young men and women dying in Iraq and sometimes, I feel really guilty. Sometimes.

They keep telling me it's going to get better and they tell me to say what is written in my speeches. I usually don't pay attention to what I am reading but lately I have some. Some of the things I say are so wrong and I know they aren't true, but the people who they let in to see me just cheer and yell "Four more years," and every time I think, man I sure hope not.

Anyway, just do me a favor if you still like me and especially if you don't. Vote for John Kerry or that weird eye Ralph fella. There is a whole bunch more people trying to get this job (that I will never understand) but I can't remember their names. John Kerry is my favorite, he really seems smart and knowledgeable about a lot of things. He is mean to me sometimes but the stuff he says is always true (just between you and me).

I heard that an ex-president in this country makes half the money but doesn't have to do any of the work. That is the job I have been searching for my whole life. They also tell me that people will pay to hear me talk about stuff. Have you heard me talk lately? I could be making $100,000 per speech believe me I am not making that now. Book publishers will also pay me big bucks for a book and I don't even have to write it. People can buy me houses and cars and all sorts of nice things when I am NOT President anymore. I gotta tell ya, that is a much better deal.

In closing I would like to say it has been great being your President. But it hasn't. It is hard and I don't like it one bit. Please don't vote for me this time. I don't want it and neither do a lot of you. This country will be so much better without me running it, and so will I.

Thank you for your time and don't forget to vote...for someone else. Oh yeah, and God bless America.

George W. Bush
The President of America
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington, DC

p.s. I am not kidding. Don't vote for me. I think I will go crazy if I have to do this again. Really, really crazy.

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